Showing posts with label happiness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label happiness. Show all posts

Monday 29 July 2013

Things I Want to Say to My Girls

Sometimes, I wonder if we don’t all have an innate form of ‘locked in’ syndrome… of experiencing life from the inside of our heads that feels normal to us, and we never think of sharing with other people…

Twice, recently, I’ve experienced moments of ‘oh, doesn’t everyone do/know that?’

The first was in doing some research about neurology and psychology and the effects and power of mindfulness meditation (weird direction, I’ll grant you, but you just never know what kinds of wonders you’ll find when you look…)

insulaInsula: it’s a part of your (and my) brain that is active in perceiving the body’s internal experience, and is highly attuned to empathy. It is said that people with highly-developed (that is, in neuroplasticity speak, often-used) insula are not only highly empathic with others, but highly self-aware: they can feel what’s going on in their own bodies, including their shifting moods and tension or relaxation and one of the markers for high level insula function is being aware of their on heart beating.

Cue the double-take..

Ask around a bit.

Isn’t that ordinary? Don’t you always feel your heart beating?

That was surprise number one.

The second one I stumbled upon while re-reading Dan Baker’s lovely (I highly recommend it) What Happy People Know. He refers obliquely to one of the sources of happiness in life being about choice, specifically being aware of our personal choices regarding not only our lives, but also what we’re good at and value. It reads:

Why am I so sure that’s who I am? Because that’s exactly whom I chose to be. I put tremendous effort into making these choices. I eliminated many other possibilities and poured my heart into the ones that fit me best.

Which got me thinking about the multiple talents and abilities I am aware of having (that old self-awareness thingy again) and have no intention or interest in using or developing further, or, perhaps more relevant to the title of this piece as you’ll see in a moment I hope, earning money from… For example, whenever the option to sell things (home party kinds of things) comes up, which is virtually every time I attend one and someone notices that I’m good at retaining all kinds of information and chatting up the benefits, etc… Yes, I know, but I still also know that I’m not willing to do what I know it takes to be successful in that business and I have no interest in participating in it –no, really, not even for the potential for vast amounts of money. I get it, I’m weird.

But what I just realized I’m not sure I ever told my girls –because it’s one of those ‘doesn’t everyone know this?’ – is

you don’t have to do what you’re good at just because you’re good at it

You are good at so many things, you can pick the one(s) that you want to use, not only the ones other people notice or that other people value, and certainly not all of them if you don’t wanna…

Just sayin’ … ‘cause you may not have noticed…

 

Thursday 23 June 2011

Chores and Underlings: What Works

 

Surrender works so well in so many areas of parenting (and life) –it is when we stop struggling with reality that we find ease and peace.

One note for clarification: surrender is not sacrifice. Sacrifice is for martyrs, not people who seek happiness, effectiveness, joy, peace, connection or love. Martyrs may get admiration . . . maybe. But what they will get is resentment, avoidance, criticism (which is ironic, because they seek to avoid it) and derision.

Regarding chores, there are several aspects of surrender necessary to create a peaceful and healthy home:

Surrender to the reality of time constraints

You can do it all, just not all at once. Priorities need to be evaluated so you’re not wasting your life –or trying to waste anyone else’s—on things you don’t genuinely value

Surrender to the necessity of the task

Before enlightenment: chop wood, carry water
After enlightenment: chop wood, carry water

There will be no time in your life when feeding and cleaning does not need to be done, however much modern conveniences ease the work. Accept that it must be done, without end.

Surrender to the real equality

All people need feeding and cleaning: of all the base, common and menial drudgery, none can be less exalted than ‘voiding bladder and bowel.’ We all get to do that with part of our days – 5 cent/hour garbage pickers in Brazil and $30,000/minute superstar athletes, and everyone in between. You can value this real aspect of life or revile it, but no one else is far enough beneath you to have to do it for you.

It is deeply disrespectful of humans to hold the opinion that the work is beneath you but not them.

Surrender to the power of mindless repetition –and hard work

All the effort spent (and technology invented) just to avoid the peace and ease of simple, repetitive work…

The dedication modern folk give to avoiding some of the easiest and most instantly-gratifying work available is amazing. A cleaned plate is clean: visibly, obviously and it is ‘finished.’ So much work is never done, has no clear product or is so complex and involves so many people that our part in it is (or feels) both invisible and impersonal. A clean plate is clean. A planted garden is planted. A cooked meal is completed.

Surrender to the fleeting nature of life

Yes, the meal will be eaten and the plate will once again need cleaning, but such is the nature of life. What is it that, once done, need never be redone or will never be undone? A singer walks off the stage and the song has ended. It can be re-sung, of course, but that performance is over. Even a recording of the thing is not the thing –it was live with a live audience and now it is a recording of both. Why is that less distressing than the laundry that needs re-washing?

Find the joys in doing, not in only having done. Life is a process, not a product.

Surrender to the chaos

Unless you seek to live alone forever, chaos will always be your roommate. Other people are ‘other’ –they see things differently, they react because they have a different perspective. The desire to live in peaceful harmony forever precludes living with other humans at any age.

Even if you did not understand the deal you were signing up for, the decision to have children comes with the built-in guarantee of a life filled with chaos. Will you fight it like it’s an unwanted intruder, or accept it as the inevitability it is, like static or dust?

Surrender, finally, to your own personal preferences

Do what you will, as you will.

It is only within this freedom and self-respect that you can find worth in your work –and free others to see the worth in the work you do, and perhaps even find value in doing it themselves.

The secret of children happily cooperating in their own homes is an atmosphere of joy, worthiness and respect which cannot be found in an atmosphere of dictatorial superiority.

A parent who finds himself sneering at the idea of washing a floor cannot be surprised by a child’s distaste for the task. Equally, a man happily engaged in nurturing his family through meal preparations may well find cooperative bodies eager to share the room and help.

Joy, enthusiasm and a sense of an important job well done are all attractive, and contagious. When you feel resistance from your kids, check to see how you really feel about the work. . . and if you believe it is necessary to do at all.

Tuesday 27 October 2009

Unhappy in a Great Life? The Reason is the Misery Contract

www.flickr.com
Editor's Note: This post contains affiliate links. Linda Clement only ever shares links to books she has read and believes are of value. No authors have been harmed in the sharing of these recommendations...

...recently been thinking about happiness --talking about it, reading a great book (What Happy People Know by the guy who runs one of the programs at Canyon Ranch) about it...

It seems to me that many people have unilaterally signed a contract with the universe that is not only unnecessary, but that is quite insane. I call it the


The Misery Contract

https://www.flickr.com/photos/knowuh/4445551236/in/photolist-7LQBv7-s2T93f-7fX9y6-7i3G4x-o5uNv-8ktTky-9xTYT1-6bKNox-rBZupH-ej53ZN-7RrcWR-7Fyk5S-cGCZLj-ftqE1w-aiD2M4-4fTd6M-72nQzm-6bPYoY-jh6Ux9-a4Lj5P-89Pvty-6uFiHy-nfV9Zi-6JMMkb-qKg2gA-7oRoEC-9moxrU-asAEai-bNBJUM-fij5rW-8ktJCG-axQEac-gJX5xm-9sVXg-nwGHGm-8ktTwC-pFRaLa-fNZQ2y-our6D6-8oie65-fdbZtb-78nLPf-d9XvkS-qhfG9n-4fXd3N-4fTcR8-Ui8uCE-iGRg2-6jUuyX-8kqFJF




I will be happy when all--not some, but all of my conditions are met.

who was it that wanted you to be happy and has pissed you off?





https://www.flickr.com/photos/donnieray/16686547995/in/photolist-nGzSVF-6Gb2Z5-rqwVnn-8EVRmL-ffyzjj-nnPxWR-fcSJK9-QYi53P-ffyAe3-ffjnwa-ff7R8U-feTphV-ffCGCC-ffjkmr-m5w3X2-ff8G9U-feSzFX-ffyyGA-4mpem4-ffjnqv-ff7RMG-ffoth4-ffCFKj-fcCqbR-nkNNWH-ffCGws-ff7QVw-feToYk-feSzsx-ff7RoE-7p3miG-ffotFK-ffjkXn-aptST7-feSyPt-ffjm4i-feSzbT-ff7Qy9-rv851t-ffjkhg-ffjksR-feToMx-pLnmFD-ffjjCv-9qqG12-nkMVME-feSycr-ffjk7H-feSyAp-Lp7tH





I have to get all this stuff done before I can afford to be happy.
just what do you think happiness is?






https://www.flickr.com/photos/49024304@N00/535118343/in/photolist-PhC3k-6g4StL-feSAhK-ffjjvV-6hVMpn-qactiL-ffCFDS-nkLMmU-ff8GiS-ffjkzg-ff8GeG-6ytzXE-ffyAkw-9poVEY-nkLoe1-feSAdp-ffyykG-ff7RHw-ffCG7A-6QpfEc-ff8FQS-feSzAM-ff8FVd-ff7QPS-hu2XEd-dGFRjS-ffCFQu-ffjnaR-ffCGjs-ff8FKu-nm4AcP-dSjGG4-F2wxJ-k3trpd-V3FHGj-7FKcqN-ffyAr1-ffyzKU-dV2m5e-7FKcg1-cceTpG-o3n3eP-ff7Swo-feSA1H-ffjmv6-4bXr87-ffjjJg-nkP1zo-ffyzeW-ffCFt9


As long as that person is in my life, I will prove they've screwed up my life by being miserable.
ooh, excellent plan, that will really get through to. . . . no one



https://www.flickr.com/photos/kellyshort6/9272680133/in/photolist-kyNviP-cxa1zW-VqL7NK-8NTksS-TJn7Hx-iFiov3-f8oUKp-9RJVJ9-qKg2gA-7oRoEC-cKPgLS-5pviTW-5WqRN7-n6WMwF-cyLCgu-SuvaTp-Td5uTs-fdbZtb-f9o9TQ-2V2uSq-9HUs18-86zoYs-SLugWA-6QNZPd-Turv6S-hczdSr-jMASxA-ekdRs6-8ktJCG-pqzhaw-pxCj6J-5MkvKt-k1H7g-SrQC9S-7ScLXL-RA84ED-dgpMz-m6AhLv-pN5XXz-TJnf7k-k29US4-orFshZ-6EKf74-fQJXYE-USr7US-eM9VhS-dqXdDc-eXKW2H-neuow5-czCHt9


Things that happened before now will preclude my happiness until they have not happened.
good luck with that


https://www.flickr.com/photos/vinothchandar/8530944828/in/photolist-dZRjFE-Ssmino-9VnEiv-d4Sv2m-7i3G4x-T2Czdi-SrQGj5-aELXrc-2cWNX-8ktTky-dBLX8s-UBQEpo-9hYGck-5LXQkJ-opJhwR-rnGVby-TEKvsb-cx3ncY-fvg7Et-gwmAC2-rSUbew-b7daa2-gwmN7H-poFR4k-dXXP6L-88bgji-6r2pZR-F8uHQ-dY6F5h-dX8M7i-8fwvFX-g1EDcJ-UtAbDo-o8uGfJ-c2ySdj-6KGi2S-SAkPNA-TJn81M-64qbTH-7XSowL-61VxKd-4pwCzk-kyNviP-cxa1zW-VqL7NK-8NTksS-TJn7Hx-iFiov3-f8oUKp-9RJVJ9

I can't be as [young, free, rich, pretty, thin, helpful, generous, intelligent, popular, wise, funny, powerful, famous, capable, talented, lucky, sexy, fit, healthy, immortal] as I want to be, so I can't be happy.
1. who says you can't be, and; 2. what's that got to do with anything?


https://www.flickr.com/photos/wwworks/4614048392/in/photolist-82JcQu-ff7RWW-mKvdtV-ffCFVL-ffyyqG-feSyw8-2DgxSG-ffyA8G-ffjkEa-ffyAwu-ffjjfx-feTpGt-feSzNp-PhC3k-6g4StL-feSAhK-ffjjvV-6hVMpn-qactiL-ffCFDS-nkLMmU-ff8GiS-ffjkzg-ff8GeG-6ytzXE-ffyAkw-9poVEY-nkLoe1-feSAdp-ffyykG-ff7RHw-ffCG7A-6QpfEc-ff8FQS-feSzAM-ff8FVd-ff7QPS-hu2XEd-dGFRjS-ffCFQu-ffjnaR-ffCGjs-ff8FKu-nm4AcP-dSjGG4-F2wxJ-k3trpd-V3FHGj-7FKcqN-ffyAr1


My life is not my own, I have responsibilities and obligations I have to live up to before I can be happy.
you're crazy --that's ridiculous... be happy AND fulfill your obligations and responsibilities



https://www.flickr.com/photos/goodncrazy/4832837733/in/photolist-8n4yhv-haxsyR-8FshW-MU9Ax-dNuG2Y-ntBYKd-jJsRoA-gwmN7H-61HzUd-kjqTBz-VLbaiY-g1EDcJ-8CX4ZG-4Lx3Lo-asGx7f-nZXdw6-jYV37y-7oaZa5-6bB8S4-3EVoTQ-9AiEUa-eZmHq7-atMLeP-iFiov3-UAgFcR-pNMach-2GC3kD-ej7uza-mnqWNY-h4xts-tSRWFe-4nSBL2-VLb9Yu-4Z999Y-6DwV1e-ag86pM-8EVRmL-VVYcwy-VC2K9V-7E3U4g-dJqU9o-RpSyap-9HUs18-qJNzyP-e2FCFs-sabkuG-kqc1KU-pNKrfa-abeGUe-bb37K4


They need to compensate me for what they've done --then I can be happy.
cool idea, but 'to compensate' means 'to give OTHER than what is needed' --how will that help?


https://www.flickr.com/photos/13476480@N07/23373769723/in/photolist-9sgf2f-4pHA1V-iMfqi-5Nk1kr-3oRzvQ-o7TS5V-2uYEG-oaGAEy-y5BNv-9dxRJZ-f8qaGe-81oZty-BBsFpH-iTmyD-8LZyH8-dPPY2m-c72dwW-iTm4q-5EeBF6-4Mixph-5n4rWg-agt4yA-7JUGWT-iTkRB-u1i5Tj-2aKwFd-HLXdMH-VAXhd4-rW5W25-SbX4am-VMTqJJ-PPzjPK-VMTqd3-tm2JnR-u1i1Lb-7U8nXc-iTmkD-5gydif-7V6Ke4-5PdtYv-BQHdGn-CgW4iP-MDnkRJ-CmUZTQ-J89yCV-UJ1jyX-v1imhP-ad2Npb-62ZXcb-giTr4



I am deeply flawed and have sinned, when I'm pure I can be happy.
yeah, so, never then, eh?


I am not worthy, I haven't earned happiness and don't deserve it.
oh. my. god.


https://www.flickr.com/photos/kellyshort6/7920083938/in/photolist-d4Sv2m-7i3G4x-T2Czdi-SrQGj5-aELXrc-2cWNX-8ktTky-dBLX8s-UBQEpo-9hYGck-5LXQkJ-opJhwR-rnGVby-TEKvsb-cx3ncY-fvg7Et-gwmAC2-rSUbew-b7daa2-gwmN7H-poFR4k-dXXP6L-88bgji-6r2pZR-F8uHQ-dY6F5h-dX8M7i-8fwvFX-g1EDcJ-UtAbDo-o8uGfJ-c2ySdj-6KGi2S-SAkPNA-TJn81M-64qbTH-7XSowL-61VxKd-4pwCzk-kyNviP-cxa1zW-VqL7NK-8NTksS-TJn7Hx-iFiov3-f8oUKp-9RJVJ9-qKg2gA-7oRoEC-cKPgLS



There is too much evil in the world, too many people killed and maimed and starving and suffering for it to be okay for me to be happy.
how does it help them to have you suffering too?






https://www.flickr.com/photos/andrea_44/2662443691/in/photolist-54gHKz-bK4mzn-4s2cC9-snfL3-h2MVaC-dawbzk-apnzwn-hawf8b-A8zQK-aeujMJ-eTc3wj-rixT2H-VjXMQw-ardvaJ-iv5z7h-iv5riH-haweiA-iv5t4L-pSohzC-hawaBZ-7g8ASU-9f7LVj-U9Ukcx-V91HMh-hawees-oPX4mB-sng3p-araT5F-QwvEjB-bZLHg5-iv5ZHF-bZLDpq-659nNY-eTc9rh-8nwFZ1-oxqNgY-UzqGmG-3g4PVn-nuhk9L-4AugyE-9fAsLp-oMTF4Q-qcwB4v-9bQ2j5-oxrscz-nvb5Gi-7PWNzN-67jppr-dKEEdU-s9iZcn


I am in pain. I'll be happy when I don't hurt.
the case is closed: pain lost --happiness alleviates a lot of pain and makes whatever pain is left much easier to endure

I am afraid to be happy. Too much good stuff happening attracts bad luck.
ha. ha. ha. ha. no it doesn't