Showing posts with label empowerment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label empowerment. Show all posts

Friday 26 April 2013

Addiction and Choice

8333713835_5dd897b7ba_z

 

Recommended reading: Addiction, a disorder of choice, by Gene M. Heyman

When we subject children to anti-drug propaganda* we may be taking for granted a few propositions that have not been established outside the ‘my pappy tol’ me so’ and ‘some dude in a pub said’ frames.

As Heyman’s thesis valiantly proves, addiction is absolutely a voluntary choice and is absolutely not a disease.

I’ll summarize the argument for the second claim first, because it’s so universally accepted today. If alcoholism, smoking, heavy drug use and oxycodone abuse were diseases, it would not be possible to ‘quit.’ Not with a change of attitude, not with rehab and not with meetings –all of which can and do end addiction in real life. More than 80% of heavy, chronic drug users quit on their own, by choice, most of them before they’re 30 (they also typically start at 18.) If the disease model made sense, then MS and diabetes could be ‘quit’ with the help of rehab or meetings, which is a ridiculous suggestion.

On to the voluntary choice aspect. Because a lot of the research on the subject tends to be done by economists, rather than mothers of 14-year-old boys, they often take it as read that people do not voluntarily choose self-destructive options. Anyone who has ever seen Jackass or its many imitators can snort at that idea. Clearly, people do, rather more often than most parents are comfortable, make choices that are not in the best interest of anyone, including themselves.

What’s going on?

It turns out that one other things economists get wrong is the frame in which the decisions are being made. Economists look at ‘market baskets’ –like a collection of possible spending choices for someone’s discretionary income, and see that overall people tend to make reasonably sensible choices: the ‘best interest’ model. Yet people have rationally pointed out that there are a great many people who are bankrupt –or being evicted for non-payment of rent, with big screen tvs and smartphones—that rather argues against the theory. The frame economists use, in Heyman’s terminology, is a global framework for decision making, and it does tend away from self-destructive and toward best interest. In drug use, this means that when someone frames the ‘will I use cocaine now?’ question in terms of ‘is this the best use of the next $150 and 4 hours of my time, considering my life goals?’ the answer is very, very different from a ‘local’ viewpoint.

The local view is ‘will I suffer through the craving now?’ In short-term decision-making, people will very often make self-destructive and even openly suicidal choices. In my post about lacking resources (Anti-Resourceful), I described one such devastating decision from my hometown. It is not irrational, from a ‘this moment’s pleasure’ standpoint, to use drugs instead of living through withdrawal.

So, to drug education

What do we tell the children, and what ‘works’ for avoiding hard core drug addiction?

As much as we don’t really believe it will work (hence the propaganda*) the answer is: The Truth.

The truth includes the fact that drugs use money, energy, resources and time in a way that does not get anyone closer to their personal goals in life. It’s uncommon knowledge, but you only get to spend this dollar, this bit of energy and this minute once.

The truth includes the fact that most people who experiment with drugs have their own very good reasons for not becoming habitual users, and it’s probably worth forty minutes of your life to figure out what yours are.

The truth includes the fact that there are many potentially-devastating side effects from most potent drugs, and in spite of the fact that the odds of ending up with any or all of them are really pretty small, without the drug use the odds are much nearer to zero.

The truth includes the fact that drug use has some real attractions that are genuinely hard to beat with anything else in the world, but none of those eradicate any of the other truths, including the fact that quitting is filled with suffering, often for a good long time.

The truth includes the fact that the majority of successful people look down on both the effects and the users of mood-altering substances particularly when the use can no longer be easily contained to non-productive hours, or when the urge to use spills out into criminal and anti-social behaviour. All people need the respect and goodwill of their friends and neighbours and while you’ll certainly be popular with your dealer/supplier and your buddy users, you will also certainly be restricting your social circle dramatically.

Do we have to get into dire threats and fictional statistics? I don’t think so. In fact, it would be ever so much better if we didn’t.

___

* Propaganda defined: amplified, simplified and vilified info-tainment designed to coerce underlings into believing whatever overlings have determined to be ‘best’ for them, regardless of any accuracy of statements…

Friday 3 August 2012

To ‘Make Sure’

 

Ran across a great ‘zen’ quote while stumbling yesterday:

Let go… or be dragged

Then, it came up in a conversation about ‘making sure’ –with teenagers.

‘Making sure’ is probably the most alluring, and least effective, form of security a parent can seek.

No parent wants to face the reality of the terrors of freeing a child to the world. As possibly-Phyllis Diller said:

having a child is giving your heart permission to walk around by itself for the rest of your life

Parenting is terrifying, and letting go is even more terrifying. It’s hard to do when a two-year-old wants to wear all their favourite clothes at once…

… without thinking about what they’re allowed to do with a computer.

When a 15-year-old struggles for independence and liberty, it’s not easier to let go. It’s particularly not easier than it would have been when the child was three. But that’s water under the bridge and time can’t flow backwards.

But ‘making sure’ has a synonym. That is: ‘making a mess.’

Trying to control the thoughts, feelings, goals and preferences of a child (especially a teenage child) is pretty much guaranteed to get messy. Some kids can withstand a lot of it, without it affecting who they are, or what they choose, very much… but those kids are rare (and it’s inherently disrespectful to them, too… they just don’t mind so much that their parents are.)

For most kids, the lack of faith in them that this ‘making sure’ demonstrates does real damage to their stability. They react in ways that are surprising even to them: they vandalize things, they sneak out at night, they make cavalier choices with their lives and bodies, they check-out of things they once cared about, they disconnect from the people they need…

Yes, trusting that the world is a safe-enough place for our precious teens is hard. Trust anyhow.

Yes, trusting teens out in the world is hard. Trust anyhow.

Yes, trusting that we’ve been ‘good enough’ parents to this point, so our kids will be able to cope (and maybe even thrive) is hard. Trust anyhow.

Yes, letting go is hard. Let go anyhow.

Let go… or be dragged.

Monday 12 April 2010

The Insanity Box: What Are They Thinking?

image used with permission (accredited, non-derivative) Creative Commons2010
During a conversation with a client a few months ago, the topic of 'all those voices in my head' came up. You know the ones, you're mildly wandering through a mall with a child who, upon reflection, probably isn't wearing the cleanest clothes, and their left shoe is untied and you aren't up for the struggle of getting it tied today, and you just realized you don't even know where a hairbrush is... and you catch sight of one of those faces in the crowd. Someone looks at your child, makes a face like it's encountered a bad smell, and glares at you.


https://www.flickr.com/photos/topdrawersausage/10160677913/in/photolist-gtS8xX-9attJj-sTNUh-aE6nbG-6d8Uii-8vGnwi-4WfZMf-5LNL8c-qsra9y-qjbxRi-kY6As3-axBSWt-5NrcWx-836mv7-7e9WNK-eoxwD-ziqBv-3c84hf-78gk97-8LEG6y-sUUBb-TXN5X8-5uvhEc-Y2qSJf-rf8VB5-46uZse-iFiov3-mksTaH-ifQZjj-5SA2sa-fPP9cz-nqA6J3-8mbr5L-T5r45q-8AQpYa-856Rhx-7mv3co-iCKpJ-9CoXgK-f1QzL2-ow88P8-chZK31-9fEe6X-7udrQ1-niDkCJ-7jzxoe-5QnSLw-4XbfVH-rc79VX-36BFM9


Is there anyone who doesn't immediately roll out the litany of all the things that face is thinking?




  • why isn't that child in clean clothes?
  • who is that incompetent mother?
  • doesn't anyone love the child enough to tie its shoes?
  • let us hope that scraggly woman is the babysitter, although whose poor judgement hired her?
  • is hair brushing out of style?
  • parents should have to pass competency tests...
While it would be fun to list all the other potential things that face was actually thinking... 
'my kid was such a brat at that age...'
'that mom sure has it good, she didn't have to listen to my mother criticizing everything about her... '
'I hate being reminded of my deceased child in malls... '
'I wonder if my daughter will ever let me see my grandchild... '
'I hated being a child, I was never allowed to be so free...'

Yeah, that's fun... 
https://www.flickr.com/photos/zionfiction/16604220029/in/photolist-rifY8F-5EtwQF-mtWtQ-hghnVN-4jGnfo-4jGn9S-i3H7Rj-nvgw7h-qH69Gk-i3G238-5HLSFf-a7p3pr-4jCjft-hghWwk-dHvAHZ-r1t78s-j8TVCC-i3HBYh-j8Tmec-7wY3eZ-oXHy7D-a7rU6J-iySSQe-nfPLDJ-iyT4GU-gXNTUT-iyT4qG-iyTeWG-X35YYd-NQSPVg-qUsXgM-iyTarv-qvXBiE-gXMyP1-i3Gfd7-qvXBsY-mDXgFT-q24Vyd-qQVvZx-XY6v9S-WkAurr-XBa8NH-Rw9zdv-X5ogvz-meWu6r-Y2gwXo-WUUkoA-i5dEXP-YbC1Le-a7p3jB

...but the problems parents face aren't just that they're no good at telepathy, and worse at predicting what anyone around them is likely to be thinking at any given moment --however good they are at accurately guessing the mood.

The problem is that the voices that give such snarky and vile tones to the words in those thoughts are supplied within the parent's head, not from outside.

At some point in our lives, we have heard, half-heard and half-understood a great deal of emotionally-loaded criticism. 

https://www.flickr.com/photos/klimbrothers/2796630129/in/photolist-5g8sGR-e8mym2-4Nvcbo-2cmWS-dWaAhr-cjjaLG-SHUBDY-XkWWwZ-dWgfJy-8TmgqG-8Tm8JQ-e8myjk-8TmaQS-8Tm9H1-X1USVu-8TmbX3-7PDb2y-X2MSPF-e8sdqY-e8NXQP-7ywWiA-fhBS1-exLrkt-9g9QiJ-6fVSG9-gXwJUo-8Ti98V-ewN67j-9JwLeg-dWaCSD-k5MQtH-dWaBbT-dWgeuU-fpSHGR-dWgbrs-dWgfq5-dWgg8o-dWgdFs-dWaDdp-dWayYT-dWgb4A-dWaznc-dWayFP-dWayig-dWgbLC-dWggoS-3HtjX5-8Ti86R-eZjYdM-9zKaJ6
That we don't remember when we first heard them, or what the context was or even who it was who said it, or who repeated it, or who we didn't hear or notice contradicting it at the time is... interesting, but not really worth spending a lot of time exploring, in my opinion. The issue is right now, today, and the hit our self-esteem gets from our own minds when the litany is replayed, and replayed and replayed...

affiliate link http://amzn.to/2jotaM6


Terry Pratchett, in Monstrous Regiment, describes a deceased god, who is now nothing more than reflections and echoes of prayers and requests, 'nothing but a poisonous echo of all your ignorance and pettiness and maliciousness and stupidity.' 

A quote which was rolling around in my head when my client described her personal litany of 'I'm a bad mom' that she expects to be going on in other's heads when they look at her.



"Those voices are just your Insanity Box," I quipped, completely out of the air.

"What's an Insanity Box?"

https://www.flickr.com/photos/dm-set/3267768420/in/photolist-5YLaGQ-hBXwSj-6fNCyF-T6cRZ4-6fNE8x-6fNEmt-dCrNuT-5KKJQa-fcHKJm-9VNMLq-6fSWMq-b4dqp-5VupWg-iuG6EN-qQNfjJ-iuhEQc-kw69v-6fSXcE-4y3yN2-q6uBP-6fSNKq-5Yd4DT-6fNEBM-6fSGWA-UmgCnN-6fND18-6fSRMQ-cbFSgq-6fNDbM-ixj2HW-6fSNFG-6fNBor-6fSRbC-6fNBQr-6fNEGM-6fNCoV-6fSHdG-6fNFWV-buGHVP-58crDR-p7S9zh-48PpxX-avzpqH-yMUhs-6fSNBA-6fNEpF-6fSRFs-vzrgQf-8KBoYz-6fNBBp
Echoes and reflections, interfering with each other, amplifying each other and recalling each other, voices of half-remembered, half-understood comments from almost anyone, often directed at someone else at the time... and a name gives a person power over it. 

Once there is a name for the Insanity Box, the owner becomes aware of the ownership, and the power of the Witness is developed. 
The Witness is the part of everyone that is the 'me' who says 'that sounds good to me', the 'I' who says 'I feel...' 

Once the Witness is aware of the Insanity Box it can perceive the voices as 'over there' or,
https://www.flickr.com/photos/daniel_n_reid/69683562/in/photolist-7a9uJ-tiLu3-hvyjiv-inYz8o-4ufF4q-7p3mfh-evGQdf-nKzhBS-pb7X9C-7seGbk-rhTWSo-nTvEbK-qr21f5-nTuMGu-qr8Lvr-spibkz-inYsMu-5qQa1N-3nGxhN-5zTLfX-nv8dyE-nGxiJ9-qHvhNq-iUahym-iU7CPz-nSRMTm-iU8w4j-nubNJM-nGrCvZ-pagvFK-oVEL7p-nv841T-nKzicu-pkzuyW-aX3Xiz-nMsoCh-nY2q2f-EdBVLh-oSvCFK-fogWcK-nArR4h-nArCMy-nA1EAw-gwm16W-hYcuBE-gwmFi5-jtZWZ4-nAsBzv-6Exubi-qGDBqW
even more powerfully, 'not me.'

From that point on, there is a new way to deal with the litany of criticisms whether expected or imagined: 'oh, that's just my Insanity Box getting heated up again...' 

Eventually, it even becomes possible to see that a lot of people's critical words and harsh tones are nothing but their Insanity Box speaking through their mouths, not what they really think and feel at all. Peace at last...