Showing posts with label coercion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label coercion. Show all posts

Friday 3 August 2012

To ‘Make Sure’

 

Ran across a great ‘zen’ quote while stumbling yesterday:

Let go… or be dragged

Then, it came up in a conversation about ‘making sure’ –with teenagers.

‘Making sure’ is probably the most alluring, and least effective, form of security a parent can seek.

No parent wants to face the reality of the terrors of freeing a child to the world. As possibly-Phyllis Diller said:

having a child is giving your heart permission to walk around by itself for the rest of your life

Parenting is terrifying, and letting go is even more terrifying. It’s hard to do when a two-year-old wants to wear all their favourite clothes at once…

… without thinking about what they’re allowed to do with a computer.

When a 15-year-old struggles for independence and liberty, it’s not easier to let go. It’s particularly not easier than it would have been when the child was three. But that’s water under the bridge and time can’t flow backwards.

But ‘making sure’ has a synonym. That is: ‘making a mess.’

Trying to control the thoughts, feelings, goals and preferences of a child (especially a teenage child) is pretty much guaranteed to get messy. Some kids can withstand a lot of it, without it affecting who they are, or what they choose, very much… but those kids are rare (and it’s inherently disrespectful to them, too… they just don’t mind so much that their parents are.)

For most kids, the lack of faith in them that this ‘making sure’ demonstrates does real damage to their stability. They react in ways that are surprising even to them: they vandalize things, they sneak out at night, they make cavalier choices with their lives and bodies, they check-out of things they once cared about, they disconnect from the people they need…

Yes, trusting that the world is a safe-enough place for our precious teens is hard. Trust anyhow.

Yes, trusting teens out in the world is hard. Trust anyhow.

Yes, trusting that we’ve been ‘good enough’ parents to this point, so our kids will be able to cope (and maybe even thrive) is hard. Trust anyhow.

Yes, letting go is hard. Let go anyhow.

Let go… or be dragged.

Thursday 16 June 2011

Chores & Underlings: Obedience


Question 1. How can I make my child listen?
Answer 1. You mean 'obey.'
Question 1.a. No, no, no, not at all.
Answer 1.a. Oh, yes, you do. You just shy from the word 'obey.' You still mean 'how can I make my kid do what I want my kid to do?
Question 1.b. Well, okay... maybe. But how?
Answer 1.b.  Go back to the beginning and order a child with the Voice Command Software pre-installed. Sorry, it is not available aftermarket. There is no app for that.

Question 2. 


Why do my kids do what the teacher (scout leader, neighbours, etc.) tell them to do and it never works for me?
Answer 2. Because your kid trusts you. You can destroy that, if obedience is more important...
Question 2.a. No, no, I don't want obedience, I just want them to _______________[fill in blank]
Answer 2.a. Yes: you want them to obey orders.

Tuesday 30 March 2010

When They Can, They Will: Potty Woes

https://www.flickr.com/photos/9880707@N02/3290150058/in/photolist-61JSZ9-bw2Hhi-7TMBvF-5C284n-r7wYdN-2CYSwe-Uyk1eY-aBe4vs-7hCNed-26BDgE-5P6ehc-cDHx6d-RrsLYh-bDNqb8-6vtXCd-RrsM4Y-3kc5px-4Nt2yN-bP2DcB-biu3d6-XEUt-2MgPV-3kc5sR-3kc6pe-6Jojj6-4haGC9-a4N7mE-a4KdYp-3kc6eK-dR5tcQ-3kgx6f-bRfFjK-2xvPT9-3kgxjw-7z9jGn-3kgxfS-2h3DL-3kgxc1-dR5sLu-ECZN4w-5JhKVu-4ULnAV-k92vm-FDdGG-2iaMni-4ULn4p-4UQAc3-vr9TH-cuRvzN-7cpkDt
If there is a subject that gets more airtime than potty training, I'd like to know what it is...


There are three simple and easy ways to potty train a child:
  1. wait until they're physically and psychologically ready, can understand and want to
  2. let them watch the parents and older siblings do bathroom activities for a couple of years and, 
  3. do nothing
Inappropriate potty training (too early, involving any kind of bribery, coercion or humiliation, too intrusive) causes some seriously weird behaviour, not only in kids but in adults, too. Those odd diaper fetishes, shy bladder and  impacted bowel (don't google that, it's gross) come to mind, but they are hardly the only ones. 

https://www.flickr.com/photos/alohateam/4529046139/in/photolist-7UdxCp-4s4s38-2JHns-aqVusN-8rgmyz-2tS1J-Zjiau-77ru1q-3Ae3T-8FCpF8-PgGT-bvNoun-75M8yh-2bnXEh-8BdyA2-5mNd64-559y8b-hQ7wL-e4Eoq3-2q5EP5-85Pn8v-7zADSx-dH1YPL-cRio93-acWuX2-hQ7w7-5av6D7-9xcey-QA1zEG-7ryhbe-g5YCXr-9xcer-naMHkR-2prFW-9wRNEL-H3675Y-9xcev-7rZy7e-5XzC11-4psLEK-5TJRs7-7z6roH-eULnWP-qnkP5w-4txTgE-UEEoin-4ZvRvb-4kbt5g-avz7ZV-h8pUgy
Allowing kids to sort it out for themselves when they are capable and care might add to the laundry pile for a few extra months... and the only thing I can think of to say about that is 'so?'

Are there really parents, or parenting experts, who think that the whole goal is to minimize laundry? Personally, being of an extremely lazy bent, I would do an extra load of laundry every week if it means avoiding having to clean poop off a carpet even once. The number of parents who pick 'all the bedclothes' over diapers almost every night amaze me.

https://www.flickr.com/photos/dermotohalloran/5503138833/in/photolist-9oi2s2-nBL8aT-bK74UK-q9gxNH-8oWMH6-bWmbaW-gUKtNa-rgBMXc-dV8ePM-a6SK8e-BjbU2D-sRx4an-z21TxR-P5Xy7S-vMEcgW-MHXKs6-MXVpVJ-Pct33V-eDRUmf-9E37CB-8Es6Uc-U5vixG-DzyEu-oXwWte-9Mnows-rx21dM-VufTM2-vDUHM-dRkxb6-dG1eqa-4n2jy3-qTwx2d-pFyH1e-dD5hjK-adG5uA-8EvgKy-4QpY6j-k7MxP8-cWG67A-8Es78v-7e9Zd3-8Es7fF-8Es6M4-8EvfEq-8Evg2j-8Es7yR-3i2HMR-7suk7R-4r2Zkn-UAhBDM
When it was time to think about 'training' my kids, all I could think of was 'why?' They'd learned to walk and talk without any lessons or training led by me or anyone else, how could this be any harder? When they could, I had no doubt they would figure it out. Strangely, they did. And you know what: you can't tell anymore which one of them started or finished learning younger. In fact, you can't even tell today if they learned this when they were 14 months old, or 14 years old. 

https://www.flickr.com/photos/frohrn/3664570737/in/photolist-6FMThV-8TRkPH-4tEmGt-dbkopp-4pbqw1-arfyAZ-6W5BUp-2RNPFP-eoXLa-5nFmma-7aE13-AhEzH-6zPTd6-6UNEPy


If parents hate handing thousands of dollars to diaper manufacturers, maybe considering switching to cloth for the rest of the time for the same reason we don't buy single-use disposable shirts? 

No?

Wednesday 31 December 2008

Just Stop: pushing kids to grow up is terrible

https://www.flickr.com/photos/67331818@N03/8548222863/in/photolist-ayRGJi-oZiYTd-RD9qP3-RD9qCb-oBkCkr-64qbTH-e2nSQP-i8JnzV-jxTR2P-6iqrq4-jxUQG9-a16oGn-5ZHRwc-fFmA3o-cAzPTY-9uJNPV-4r186C-2UB3W7-oJGH8G-diXa8E-dZznGR-q2EnEv-dZDu57-SjDG2A-a49s3N-e3Dzah-8rou28-9L1FVK-dbXWYJ-4Lx3Lo-T4Q1AR-SJfVnx-dDE381-6PrKx-iFiov3-ctAbmU-5vPWwN-2Det9B-jhzi2z-8RBiA2-72Tby1-9QD5xq-iowxZ-8Zfd8t-4mpem4-8AULzy-9FEZSo-5wMr15-cyc995-rUC4p
There is a fair pressure in our culture to shove children ever faster through the phases and stages of growing up. As a society, we think we know where we want them to be in 20 years, but we don't have faith that they'll get there without force. We do not believe they will automatically and naturally grow and mature. We are wrong.



https://www.flickr.com/photos/13476480@N07/15771366061/in/photolist-q2EnEv-dZDu57-SjDG2A-a49s3N-e3Dzah-8rou28-9L1FVK-dbXWYJ-4Lx3Lo-T4Q1AR-SJfVnx-dDE381-6PrKx-iFiov3-ctAbmU-5vPWwN-2Det9B-jhzi2z-8RBiA2-72Tby1-9QD5xq-iowxZ-8Zfd8t-4mpem4-8AULzy-9FEZSo-5wMr15-cyc995-rUC4p-fv5vnS-SdrZR1-8MN14Z-aZhWgp-8MR1wh-q5Y7E2-2V2uSq-q9yhq4-pCYRsM-fmEauV-fELaz9-k1H7g-8AWue9-RD9qWC-rfDVCP-e2oFke-qoBwiV-RD9r8Q-7iRjDT-e9cWh4-8MMWJaIt takes continual effort to impair a child's natural drive to mature, just as it takes willful effort to stop them from responding to their bodies' needs. When children are trapped for years on end in a closet or cellar (or sensory disability) without any contact with adult activities like walking and talking, yes, children will fail to progress appropriately. For some reason, though, this realisitic concern has bled over onto everyday parenting. Ironically, the result of trying to force children to mature is actually to stunt their growth.

https://www.amazon.ca/Te-Piglet-Benjamin-Hoff/dp/0140230165Benjamin Hoff, in The Te of Piglet, describes a time in Chinese history when people felt it was essential for children to learn the art of conversation as early as possible. While the activities that directed this early learning were absolutely effective, the unintended side effect of all that focus on early talking was to push later and later and later the onset of walking.

Today, much the same thing can be seen in the early reading programs: yes, it is possible to teach a child's brain to decode written language earlier than it would on its own. So? At what cost is this 'earlier is better' promotion of reading? I don't know, but it is not possible to divert the energy of the brain's development from its natural path and not derail some other development.

Do early readers wind up as better readers? Absolutely not. I have personally known children who read before their third birthday because their brains were clearly attuned to that task. Today they are indistinguishable from their peers... in fact, they are indistinguishable from the many children I have known who didn't catch on to reading until they were 12. This is also the case with potty training, walking, dancing and playing the violin: by the age of 18 it is impossible to tell who started at 2 and who didn't start until 12.

https://www.flickr.com/photos/istolethetv/4735459382/in/photolist-8dst6q-ekMAb3-npwVFj-npx37h-ekGkQp-nFPSKJ-ekN5cA-ekGhMX-nDYCNU-nFJj2r-nG1dw9-nHNwUT-npx4Ny-npwFpU-nG2u3i-npwyKn-h1Bi7v-dPvkPn-npwLu3-cwb4f1-pBvtEi-eFhwUy-gtPmHU-nGXf2A-nfUhiS-ekN4aU-pKhaBj-cvxCw9-cwb3VY-eFhw7L-q2Enk6-e7EbFt-anRP8-nhBWrk-gtQGFN-akER9P-nhBWRr-gvs8rH-q2uURZ-nz7Epn-ekMreb-nFZM4W-nFPMYE-nG2gae-5YimsY-nG11su-nFJwv4-dhZ6ms-npwUbr-npwQHx
Beyond this, where is the evidence that all this coercion to do things as early as possible isn't solely responsible for the arrested development seen in the 20-somethings who still wear what look like toddler's clothes and carry stuffed animals (or wear costume ears or tails everywhere) and respond to challenging tasks exactly like 2-year-olds: by refusing to do anything at all, with or without a temper tantrum?



Where is the evidence that it is safe or healthy to manipulate the growth and development pattern of a child?

https://www.flickr.com/photos/h-k-d/6084516475/in/photolist-8NuGDD-q5ncSm-6TwuDj-SKK2Fm-7vYaJe-SPhwaZ-TZM2qS-gwmAC2-agEJLt-4J9Y3b-4J9YhC-4J5JdZ-4J9Yam-8Hg5U4-4J5Jwv-4J9Yku-4J5J6R-4J5J8X-4J9YsW-4J9Yyh-i3ijRk-YxX-Yy2-YxZ-8Qp5S9-fPxGqz-4LWC8y-gwmN7H-88bgji-6KjkJK-SLw8NA-LJ76Qy-dX8M7i-g1EDcJ-e3ne6z-RxjBvE-ha1HUp-5aeWmS-m6AhLv-5b495D-6pypBR-5tFwKC-bmPGrX-7iMcnb-bmPKHz-6pypTD-TtnH9S-cATJj5-7nU7cC-bmQfJcThere is a lot of fear that a child will be (to quote the frightful US government program) 'left behind' if she doesn't get pushed ahead as fast as possible. Well, there is a lot of fear in parenting and children's education, period. But what benefit does this fear of the future have for kids? Children become aware that they are 'behind' or that others are 'ahead' and because of our deranged and contradictory values, quickly learn to believe that this is the same as failing--and worse: being worth less. Their self-esteem becomes predicated on things outside their control (viz: the growth pattern of their brains), which is a simple recipe for a lifetime of misery.

Children, given space and time and access to a variety of people in a variety of settings, will learn everything they need to know, develop all parts of their brains, and become (eventually -- not immediately) well-rounded, fully-grown adults. Just as it is not possible to make an infant into a physically-mature, full-grown adult in 6 years, it is not possible to make an infant into an emotionally-mature, fully-educated adult any faster than it will happen on its own. It is possible to stunt growth, but it is not possible (or desirable) to accelerate it.

Children are driven internally, physically, mentally and emotionally, toward the things that aid their maturation, at exactly the speed that is right for them. Normal, healthy kids in reasonably normal, healthy settings, the children will grow and develop into adults in about 20 years. Try and stop them.

Wednesday 26 March 2008

Sharing

Sharing
share, by Stephen Willis


I recently wrote a column about sharing, explaining why I’m a social pariah and have never made my kids (or anyone else’s) share anything. After writing it, my mom told me that she was amazed by this position at the time (when they were young and this came up a lot)... and she remembered that they always had ‘special’ things. Sometimes, the entire playroom was ‘special’ and the visitors had to play with my stuff, or outside games, or complete make-believe, because no toys were available.

I have received such a fun collection of responses for this position! It is amazing to me, how thoroughly socialized in this ‘children must share’ idea many people are, as if it strikes at the core of what is right and true in the world.


One woman has the mother-in-law beast from Hades. Mother-in-law has a key to her daughter-in-law’s home, and welcomes herself and her negative diatribes against both her daughter-in-law and the grandchildren, just as often as her little heart desires. The daughter-in-law is ‘powerless’ to do anything about this, because it would be rude to, say, change the locks or bar mother-in-law from entering or ranting.

unlocked, by Hakan Dahlstrom
After I pick my jaw up off the ground, I realize just how different life can be in different families. Not only would my mother-in-law never risk such behaviour, knowing perfectly well she’d be lucky to escape with her life the first time, and would never get away with it twice, even my own parents do not have keys to my home. Although they are welcome anytime, being polite and respectful people, it just never crossed my mind that they had any ‘ownership’ in my house... even though they loaned us money for buying it, and it took many years to pay them back. The bank also has a huge ‘stake’ in my home, and they aren’t welcome to walk in anytime they feel like it and mouth off to their hearts’ content.

I am not required to share my home under any circumstances – because it’s mine. No one around me expects me to – because they acknowledge that it’s mine. I don’t expect to encounter any indication that I am required to share my home. But for that woman, her experience is very, very different. It is clear to me that the ‘ownership’ of her home is not absolute, and it’s up to other people when, how and for how long she’s required to ‘share’ her time and possessions.
it’s up to other people when, how and for how long she’s required to ‘share’ her time and possessions
It is exactly this muddling of ownership that I sought to avoid, in allowing my children to share (or not) as they chose. When they know for certain that the object in question belongs to one or the other of them, neither needs to struggle to stake their claim... and lending the object doesn’t confer ownership in their own minds, so they have no difficulty ‘taking it back’ when they are finished lending it, or in letting the loan stand for years.

Because I’m inclined to go take any issue to the furthest possible extent, in my home this meant that the owner can:
  • refuse to lend it ever
  • refuse to lend it now, no matter how many times it’s been
    loaned before
  • repossess the loaned item at any time with any or no explanation
  • give or refuse to give any explanation for lending or not lending, including
    ‘because it’s mine’ (This has made some people extremely uncomfortable,
    particularly other mothers who have really bought the ‘children must learn to
    share’ edict. The fun side of this for me is that I agree – children must learn
    to share. But, that is also the caveat: they must learn to share. That is, they
    need not be forced to share, but must come at it organically and through genuine
    generosity.)
A lot of people don’t trust that this can ‘just happen,’ so they force the issue. In my opinion this actually eradicates the natural generosity children have. It is hard trusting that this will, eventually, be learned: when the child is capable of understanding ownership, sharing and generosity will naturally follow. 

It is especially difficult to believe for people who only share because they think they are obliged to, grudgingly at that, because they know how distasteful sharing is. Other people hold the power, they can keep it as long as they like, treat it any way they want to, and decide whether to ever give it back.
This absence of trust that children will ‘just’ grow up, mature, become generous, share, learn... etc., etc. is the heart of a lot of unnecessary struggles for parents
Parents often know, intellectually, that children will grow up because of the internal need and desire to do so, but they don’t trust it --they don’t trust the knowledge or the child-- so they do things ‘just in case’. Unfortunately, ‘just in case’ is made out of fear, not love, and fear destroys things. Fear doesn’t create or facilitate things, it impedes them. It creates force, which creates resistance and resistance damages the innate need and desire to grow.

Forced sharing destroys innate generosity, and removes the conditions that make it possible to learn to share.