17 and 17, the Other Rule

It was pointed out to me that my last post might be misconstrued to be suggesting parents take up hover parenting (which I’ve already indicated I’m opposed to: see Hover Parent) … so I’ll shall clarify:

Giving Your All is not a virtue . . .

There are parents who for some reason think they’re required to be ‘engaging’ with the child 100% of the time the child’s awake, who haven't yet figured out what that’s going to mean to their own eating and bathing requirements.

Parenting & Adulting --all at once

Parents need to get their own work done, but they do not need to get it done while the children are in suspended animation under a desk. 


Children can do the work of their own lives –exploring, learning what adults do to live, feeling safe and happy near their parents —while moms or dads are in the same room (or an immediately adjacent room from which they can hear and frequently look in on what is happening) getting their own work done. 

A very good reason to do this is because children will probably grow up to be adults, so a couple of examples of How To Adult around them from time to time is a help.

Children Do Not Require Directors

Children have their own agendas, needs, and interests. They don't need to be told what to explore and they certainly do not need to be told how to explore things. Learning is a natural human ability and it does not require any authority to make it happen or to make it happen 'better.' 

Martyrs Do Not Make Great Parents

One of the problems Hover Parenting causes is martyrdom in parents, which isn’t fun to live or to live with. 

Martyrdom also has a nasty way of setting up the give in, give up, roll-over, roll-over, roll-over SNAP thing that happens when people concede more than they want to (for any reason) for too long. 

An example from my living room: a mom started out all the patience in the universe (while being beaten gently over the head with a book repeatedly) who freaks out and screams and throws things when the book touched her the 11,003rd time, three days later at her house. 

Which neatly brings me to my other ‘rule’

Never put up with anything for 17 seconds that you are not fully prepared to put up with for 17 years

Obviously, this takes some experiential learning, because who knows what it is that we aren’t going to be able to tolerate for three years when it only just started? But being beaten over the head by a hardboard book is pretty obviously a no-go, and it's a pretty safe bet that waiting for the toddler to get tired of the cool noise it makes is going to take a lot longer than any normal human's patience will last.

In order to be rational and to respect the others around you, don’t accept things you find unacceptable only to snap after the 115th re-run. That’s unstable, unpredictable and uses up a lot of energy that could be better spent virtually anywhere. No one can deal with that kind of chaos, least of all children who look to the adult for a stable foundation. 

And, it is completely fine to say, calmly, “I thought I was going to be able to tolerate that, but I was mistaken. It must stop now and it may not be repeated.” 

No freak-out required . . . .